Time Lord or Gay Lord?

“Mummy why has Captain Jack got his tongue down that mans throat? Is he trying to suck out the poison?”

I’m very sorry to say that Dr Who written by Russell T. Davis has got to be the perfect example of how to screw up a classic British TV show. Back in the day, you could forgive the wobbly sets and budget special effects, because the acting and story lines where so good that you didn’t notice them. The same cannot be said of the Davis version, which has been camped up to the max and packed full of the worst stage school actors you’ll ever see outside a production of Annie at Sylvia Young’s. I had high hopes when I heard Christopher Eccleston was onboard, but Billie (cos we want too) Piper has to be the worst assistant ever…the bottom line is she can't act to save her life, she should have stuck to letting Chris Evans molest her to earn her money. The effects might appear slicker but that is only due to advancement of technology, if you also take into account the bigger budget of the modern program, the effects are actually worse. The new Dr Who is a mountain of shit, Davis should stick to doing ‘as queer as folk’, shame on the BBC for letting him loose on the legend that was Dr Who.

A couple of funny links on the subject.
http://www.nyder.com/stuff/whosqueer.html
http://www.outeverywhere.com/tags/cyberman.html

Movie Remakes

Movie remakes! What really makes me laugh is when a director says their gonna do a remake of film X, because they loved the original film so much as child. Then they spend years and millions of dollars on said remake and it turns out as to be a massive pile of CGI shit. If they really loved the film they should leave it the hell alone, and before all you movie gimps start saying “but what about wha wha wha, that’s a good remake!” I know there plenty of good remakes such as Scarface, The Fly, Cape Fear, etc, but I mean on the whole. Here is a brief list of the really shit ones, some of which I haven’t seen, due to having taste…

Alfie – Jude law…Run along back to stage school you posh twat.
Planet of the apes – Does this count? they said its a reimageing...BULL!
Ocean's Eleven – I love Don Cheadle’s cockney accent, its spot on.
Get Carter – Get your balls trapped in a car door, its more fun.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory – Watch Uncle Buck instead.
Casino Royale – No Q? No Clue more like, dull , dull, dull shit.
King Kong – Only Kong himself can make a bigger pile of crap!
Thunderbirds – Watch Uncle Buck again…
The Italian Job – I know we can use the new mini! Yessssssss!

There are loads more, but you get the idea. It seems like every week some prick has the brain wave of destroying yet another classic TV show or film. Some of the latest ones I’ve heard about are; The Equalizer, Silent Running and St Trinian's…for fuck sake. Here’s a free idea for all you Hollywood types, make an original film!

Clever Girl...

It’s a question that has haunted us all I know… who is the best actor in Steven Spielberg’s Jurassic Park? Easy! It’s British born Shakespearian actor Bob Peck, who plays park game warden Robert Muldoon. This can be proved by two points…

1. You feel all sad when he gets his face chewed off by a raptor and leaves retards like Laura Dern and those annoying little kids alive and well.

2. He delivers some of the best lines in movie history, such as…“Clever Girl!” and “Quiet, all of you. They're entering the tyrannosaur paddock” Awesome! Just awesome!

I recently brought a copy of the BBC thriller ‘The Edge of Darkness’, I remember watching it as a kid and wanted a refresher. I didn’t remember it stared Bob as Ronald Craven, a role for which he won "Best Actor" at the 1985 BAFTA Awards. The series won several major awards and is regarded by critics (and DORKATRONIC) as one of the best dramas ever to be shown on television. Bob Peck 1945 - 1999, rest in peace.

Size Zero?

Grim! Uber skinny girls! If I want a Twiglet, I’ll nip down the newsagent a buy a pack. What is the deal with girls trying to be a size 0? I don’t know a single bloke who has ever told me they think uber skinny is attractive. Yea ok, some guys like the slim girls, but not a skeleton with some skin pulled over the top. I think a few pounds more is far more attractive, I’m not a chubby chaser but given the choice of curves over bones, I know what I’m going for. What if you crashed on a desert island with no food? (It could happen…maybe) The skinny birds would die first because they have no fat reserves. Remember girls a bit of fat will also fill out those wrinkles too…go on have that cake! Mmmm yum yum.

Steve McClaren - The Interview

FA: “So Steve what makes you think you’ve got what it takes to be the next England manager?”

Steve: “Well, I’ve won almost nothing in my career, I have no clue about tactics and I also drink heavily before and after every game.”

FA: “What would you do differently from your predecessor Sven Goran Eriksson?”

Steve: “I’d get rid of David Beckham and then I’d…er…um…er…er. I’d bring back Phil Neville to play with his brother Gary, I think these two are the best players in the game. But basically I’d keep things exactly the same as Sven, when you’re as good as England is now its tricky to improve things.”

FA: “In the scenario of a game being 1-1 in the knockout stage of a World or European cup, what would you do to get a positive result?”

Steve: “I’d bring on Phil Neville and play for penalties, we’re good at those.”

FA: “Do you mind that you we’re 74th on our short list for the position of England coach?”

Steve: “No, I’d achieved so much at Middlesbrough, I felt it was time for a new challenge. This season we even managed to fluke are way to the UEFA cup final, unfortunately we got found out and thrashed 4 – 0, great days!”

FA: “What do you think you got from Sir Alex during your time at Utd?”

Steve: “Oh you known all the usual problems alcoholics have, hallucinations, shakes, convulsions, seizures, and the risk of possible heart failure. But most of all I learnt the ability to sit still and say nothing when things aren’t going to good on the pitch.”

FA: “What kind of commitment can we expect to see from you Steve?”

Steve: “We’ll I’ll try and make it to work at least once a week, I could do some work from my local pub. I love watching games on the pubs big screen, so I’d save money by not travelling around all the grounds. They’ve even got Prem Plus! Hic!”

FA: “Fantastic Steve, thats good thinking! You’ve got the job!”

Who told June Sarpong that she had a pleasant laugh?

Why are there so many shit woman TV presenters on our screens? Don’t get me wrong, It’s not just that they so ruff I hate them, it’s the fact they are all loud, dumb and on our screens all the fucking time. I just can’t understand how they have become successful, there’s clearly not any talent, skill or personality there, so what’s the story? Is it the fact that they are a bit ruff people like them? Woman tend to find very attractive woman threatening, and lets face it NASA don’t call these girls when they have a problem with the space shuttle.
I guess its all part of the dumbing down of British TV, which has been going on for the past few years, “I know we can make all the presenters thicker than two short planks! That will increase the number of chavs that watch are crappy shows by 80%!” Answer me these! Who dresses Kate Thornton on X Factor? Who told June Sarpong that she had a pleasant laugh? Who told Davina McCall to style herself like a dyke version of the wicked witch of the North? And would Zoe Ball have had a hope in hell of getting on the TV, without her daddy Johnny pulling a few strings at the Beeb?

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